So I Did A Thing

 Last Friday I did something that I thought I would never do. I've been separated from D for going on pretty much 4 something years. We have started barely talking again and have both agreed we need to just file for divorce. 

This is something that I have wanted to do for quite a while but was always afraid of him trying to come after me or trying to make it difficult. As luck would have it he is now in a new relationship and is in somewhat of a hurry to cement things by marriage to this other woman. YAY I have my out and without to much fuss. 

So last Friday with all the paperwork filled out and in hand we went down to the courthouse together and filed for divorce. It felt quite empowering to put some finality to this whole situation that has been going on for years. 

With a sigh of relief I can now say once approved by the judge we will be officially be divorced. When I think back to all of the things that I had dealt with over the last few years and things that I wont ever have to deal with again I can honestly say that this is a relief.

Now on to bigger and better things and trust me there will be no marriage in my future that is not something I desire to do again in my lifetime. Happy trails for now

Love and the Narcissist

With everyone looking for love in this world many fall victim to the narcissist. They come along pretending to be perfect or nearly so. With their very confident ego and ideas of grandeur. The paint such a pretty picture that it is very easy to fall in love with what they portray. Most of their previous relationship either ended up with them just disappearing or trying to come out looking like the victim unless they can still look like the good guy who is doing the right things.

Meanwhile, those they left are still sitting there wondering what the hell happened to them and their lives. Those that have loved a narcissist usually end up depressed and suffering with PTSD. They have spent months or perhaps years in a relationship feeling like they were losing their mind because the narcissist is so good at talking them in circles. It’s even worse when the narcissist is also an active addict the gaslighting and such that goes on can leave scars for years to come.

If the narcissist isn’t quite done with you and you try to separate and move on they may try to come across as wanting to work things out, claiming they are getting help if they are an active addict even going so far as going to treatment. They want to look like the good guy and to outsiders and people they claim as close friends may even try to come across as the victim of bad fortune.

I have learned that narcissists can very easily change the masks they wear going from I love you, you are the love of my life and can’t be with anyone else to the next day cutting you off and moving on to the next victim they have in their sights. A narcissist will most likely do this when they no longer have any control. 

If there are people around during this separation they will ramp up the victim role to look like they were the ones who were victimized and done wrong. It is all part of their end game. Narcissist like to be the centre of attention and the more attention the better. If you find that you have been a victim or are a victim of a narcissist try to separate from them. It can be a dangerous game and you may seriously miss all of the affection and attention they pretended to give while trying to portray the perfect companion and they may even put on a good show of trying to win you back. Please don’t fall for it as it is just a show a new hat they tried on to keep their hooks in you. It will only last until they have an audience that will help them determine which role they should play because they will turn it around on you and try to make you out to look like the bad guy or the crazy one they need protecting from.

If you ever need someone to talk to about being involved with a narcissist drop me a line. I have been there and done that and bought the t-shirt and will try to give you the best advice I can.

First Attempt At Learning Music Engineering

This has been many months in the making as I was learning this part time  a couple evenings a week. I am very happy to say that Through this I learned the whole process of recording a song and all of its different tracks and even learned a bit on how to master the complete work. Take a listen and let me know when you think.




https://youtu.be/SChnvwHcu6I

Run Out The Fear

Over the last few weeks I have been slipping into a downward spiral and haven't exactly been able to figure out the answer as to why. Alas, I think I have it figured out. I am scared not just a little scared but like the claw of the devil coming up from the ground to yank me down kind of scared.

This has been playing on my mind for a couple of weeks now and I needed to get to the bottom of it mentally before I make myself crazy. So this morning after a really good walk and talk with Tanis last night I decided to jump on the treadmill. I ran faster than I have in a while and it helped me sort some things out in my head or at least give me some answers as to why I was so scared.

Why the fear? I have been seeing someone for the last few months and the fact that I am getting attached to him emotionally is scaring the hell out of me. Things with D were so bad and the acts played such a huge part of me losing myself and took a huge impact on my self-esteem. I am afraid to care and deathly afraid of being hurt again.

Another fear I ran across while running was that I am seriously scared of losing myself. I lost myself for so long and I had to fight to get back to myself that I don't want to lose what I had found. And there are certain things I gave up doing over the last few months, running was probably the most important.

Running helps me think better and be more positive in my love for myself. I haven't run very much over the last few months and this morning showed me how much I need it. I didn't go far and I didn't go fast but I feel more clarity in my mind after the run. So I need to set some ground rules for myself in this relationship to make it so that I don't lose myself again.

I need to make the commitment to keep running at least every second day and the walks with Tanis are of peril too. It will help keep me grounded and keep the clarity that I require to keep loving myself and creating the life that I want.

As to the fear of attachment I will just have to play by ear. No one ever got to where they wanted to be without putting it out there come what may. If I keep myself and my feelings locked away I am only hurting myself and will never really learn to be free from my fears.  I need to keep myself  as my primary goal and everything else will either work out in the end or it won't.

Today I say that I love myself and am not willing to give me up as I am the only me there is. I refuse to disappear.

Stops and Starts: Goals for 2019

There has been many stops and starts in regards to my running over the last couple of years. Lately I have been looking to get back into it again as I miss the feeling of running and the rush of endorphins it gave me. As anyone who knows me knows the last couple of years have been an absolute nightmare but the nightmare has ended at this point.

I have made a great many changes over the last year and things are better than I could have pictured. I work from home now and have an amazing puppy. The design of my life is almost complete save for now designing my house the way I want it but that will come and to get back into running the proper way. That is my one major goal for 2019 to get back into enough that I can run another half marathon or maybe even a full one.

My goal for getting this done is to try to get in as good a shape as I can before Dec 31, 2018. I already have a good solid base walking almost every night with my sister in law. I feel good about this and am looking forward to rocking it with the running in 2019. 

WOW. It Looks So Different

This year has been a big year for changes. Both externally and internally. I almost don't recognize my life at this point but it is a good thing.

Last year at this time I was still emotionally attached per say to D. I have since been able to let go of him and what it was or what I wished it would be. You can still love someone but realize that they are not good for your mental health and well-being in general.  It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and am surprised as to how free I feel in regards to this. I no longer worry about if he is clean or is somewhere safe. Letting go has been freeing in that respect but it also taught me that I can make it on my own completely and can have a life that I deserve.