Over the last few weeks I have been slipping into a downward spiral and haven't exactly been able to figure out the answer as to why. Alas, I think I have it figured out. I am scared not just a little scared but like the claw of the devil coming up from the ground to yank me down kind of scared.
This has been playing on my mind for a couple of weeks now and I needed to get to the bottom of it mentally before I make myself crazy. So this morning after a really good walk and talk with Tanis last night I decided to jump on the treadmill. I ran faster than I have in a while and it helped me sort some things out in my head or at least give me some answers as to why I was so scared.
Why the fear? I have been seeing someone for the last few months and the fact that I am getting attached to him emotionally is scaring the hell out of me. Things with D were so bad and the acts played such a huge part of me losing myself and took a huge impact on my self-esteem. I am afraid to care and deathly afraid of being hurt again.
Another fear I ran across while running was that I am seriously scared of losing myself. I lost myself for so long and I had to fight to get back to myself that I don't want to lose what I had found. And there are certain things I gave up doing over the last few months, running was probably the most important.
Running helps me think better and be more positive in my love for myself. I haven't run very much over the last few months and this morning showed me how much I need it. I didn't go far and I didn't go fast but I feel more clarity in my mind after the run. So I need to set some ground rules for myself in this relationship to make it so that I don't lose myself again.
I need to make the commitment to keep running at least every second day and the walks with Tanis are of peril too. It will help keep me grounded and keep the clarity that I require to keep loving myself and creating the life that I want.
As to the fear of attachment I will just have to play by ear. No one ever got to where they wanted to be without putting it out there come what may. If I keep myself and my feelings locked away I am only hurting myself and will never really learn to be free from my fears. I need to keep myself as my primary goal and everything else will either work out in the end or it won't.
Today I say that I love myself and am not willing to give me up as I am the only me there is. I refuse to disappear.
This has been playing on my mind for a couple of weeks now and I needed to get to the bottom of it mentally before I make myself crazy. So this morning after a really good walk and talk with Tanis last night I decided to jump on the treadmill. I ran faster than I have in a while and it helped me sort some things out in my head or at least give me some answers as to why I was so scared.
Why the fear? I have been seeing someone for the last few months and the fact that I am getting attached to him emotionally is scaring the hell out of me. Things with D were so bad and the acts played such a huge part of me losing myself and took a huge impact on my self-esteem. I am afraid to care and deathly afraid of being hurt again.
Another fear I ran across while running was that I am seriously scared of losing myself. I lost myself for so long and I had to fight to get back to myself that I don't want to lose what I had found. And there are certain things I gave up doing over the last few months, running was probably the most important.
Running helps me think better and be more positive in my love for myself. I haven't run very much over the last few months and this morning showed me how much I need it. I didn't go far and I didn't go fast but I feel more clarity in my mind after the run. So I need to set some ground rules for myself in this relationship to make it so that I don't lose myself again.
I need to make the commitment to keep running at least every second day and the walks with Tanis are of peril too. It will help keep me grounded and keep the clarity that I require to keep loving myself and creating the life that I want.
As to the fear of attachment I will just have to play by ear. No one ever got to where they wanted to be without putting it out there come what may. If I keep myself and my feelings locked away I am only hurting myself and will never really learn to be free from my fears. I need to keep myself as my primary goal and everything else will either work out in the end or it won't.
Today I say that I love myself and am not willing to give me up as I am the only me there is. I refuse to disappear.
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